But, ultimately, what's the first sentence if the next 10,000 don't back it up? To be fair, the first paragraph or 2 can be the back breakers. Sharon Mayhew is running a follow-up contest of similar styling to MSFV's, but that calls for the first four sentences. The anonymous posting allows for nice, relatively unbiased feedback, IMO. But, since I'm the consummate shy wallflower, I'm gonna step into the shallow end here and see what you guys think. Any feedback is super appreciated:
When Trish called and invited me to go dragon hunting, I should have trusted my instincts. Now I’m trapped in a car with her and a couple of wannabe farmboys whose idea of Friday night fun is sneaking onto the rez, climbing Dragon Hill, and getting their pictures taken next to Old Man Blue.
While she’s riding shotgun and laughing at Konrad Kline’s lame jokes about tonguing lizards, I’m stuck in the back with Preston Williams, a self-proclaimed dragonologer who spends his time chasing rumors and compiling snuff vids from the net. He’s got greasy black hair and clumps of facial fuzz on his cheeks that are almost as attractive as his beady brown eyes, which seek out my chest as if it were a hunk of cheese.
Dragon hunting, huh? Sounds interesting. I'd read more. I love the last line about the hunk of cheese.
ReplyDeleteThis is great! I think it's interesting and engaging and I'd read on to find out what happens next. So go for it!
ReplyDeleteCrazy fun! Keep at it, don't give up!!! :O)
ReplyDeleteThis is new...
ReplyDeleteAnd I am intrigued.
I LOVE it! My son and I would DEFINITELY keep reading, and I don't just say that because you were nice to my 25 words! :-)
ReplyDeleteOkay, I'm gonna be brutal here. Sorry.
ReplyDeleteThe first paragraph was interesting. I'm assuming "the rez" is an Indian reservation of some sort. I'm not sure whether they are talking about real dragons or some sort of urban legend that they don't really believe in, but are just playing along with because they have nothing else to do.
The second paragraph, though, turned me off. I don't want to spend time with this Preston fellow, and, unlike her, I can close the book at this point. Greasy black hair and clumps of facial fuzz? EWwwwwww. I'm assuming acne and body odor go along with that.
nd why is he staring at her chest as if it were cheese? Is he half-mouse? How does one stare at cheese? I don't think I ever have stared at cheese in my life. Okay, I take that back. When I was at the gourmet food counter in the wine store, trying to pick out which type of curdled milk I wanted to spend $10 a pound on to appear sophisticated I guess I stared. But... ????
I like this. I like the tone and the voice, so I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Christine -- I appreciate brutal.
ReplyDeleteI hadn't considered Preston perhaps being too repulsive... Melissa (the unnamed MC) is stuck playing wing-woman to Trish. Part of this description is, of course, from her perspective, but I can see how he might come across as too ratty.
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ReplyDeleteYou're welcome. I think. Now of course you have no excuse to be brutal in return.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking... I always have my best thoughts AFTER I post a comment... if I were you, I would focus on the dragons. That's your hook, what the reader really wants to know about. What do these kids expect to find? Have they seen one before? What stories have they heard? What information does the aesthetically-challenged Preston have to share with them?
Also, Melissa seems kind of snotty so far. Give me a reason to like her before I read on.
I meant, "not to be brutal in return." :o)
ReplyDeleteI liked the whole of it. Preston came off as gross to me, but I had the idea he was supposed to. The only thing that threw me off was the mention of snuff vids - my mind went, well...where I don't think you meant.
ReplyDeleteIn the next couple of lines, Preston shows MC one of his dragon snuff vids and the dragons play a central element. I've actually considered starting the story nearer to that, but despite some of the things I've read, I always prefer a bit of buildup/scene setting, which, in this case, is just these two paragraphs.
ReplyDeleteTara, the 'snuff vid' reference is one of those things I waffle on, for sure. I've considered making it a bit more ordinary 'death vid' or something b/c I'm not sure how common the 'snuff' vernacular is.
ReplyDeleteYeah, that's the problem (just two paragraphs.) Which is why I've stopped visiting FTQ, by the way. It's getting too frustrating, everyone there just has one way of looking at things, and I tend to like a little more description before the action starts as well. I read the so-called "mid-chase opener" described as a "NASCAR start" the other day. It made me laugh.
ReplyDeleteI saw yours over there... :) Good luck! Hope things are going well for you Bane.
ReplyDeleteThe Queen is intrigued.
ReplyDeleteI would read further.
Shelley
Best wishes, Bane! :-)
ReplyDeleteDefinitely hooked me; and yes I'd read more.
ReplyDeleteHowever; the voice is male to me, so you might want to give the reader a definite gender within the first paragraph. And it's not an MG voice to me either; it feels at least YA. But I think you write for children?
That second paragraph was a little weak; you used the word "dragon" too many times. The first line was awesome, and I really loved the first paragraph. The second starts out ok, but I want to know more about the narrator, not yet about the others in the car.
You'll nail it in the third paragraph, I'm sure. And from then on. I'll be watching for more excerpts.
The thing for me as a critiquer, I don't like to form too strong an opinion about the entire work - unless it a flash or short-short - based on the opening paragraphs. As you say, anyone can get those right.
You have a strong writing ability, as evidenced by your blog posts, and I have no doubt you'll follow through with an excellent story.
...........dhole
I should add that the whole dragon-hunting thing was really intriguing to me. I would probably keep reading (despite Preston) for that reason alone.
ReplyDeleteI think the initial grossed out reaction I had is that the scene was so vivid, it brought back similar uncomfortable teen encounters from my own memory. Being stuck with the gross guy while your really cute friend (okay, it was my sister) got all the good ones. So in that sense... you did a fantastic job on this piece.
Donna, this is definitely YA :) -- the gender thing concerns me b/c the MC is female... somewhat tomboyish, perhaps, but definitely don't want to come across as too masculine ;) -- thanks for the feedback.
ReplyDeleteChristine, thanks -- it's a hard balance trying to evoke memories/emotions w/o going too far sometimes.
A lot of YA excerpts I've read lately sound tomboyish to me. It's the attitude that comes across. Few female characters are shy and feminine any more. I think the fact that her chest was being stared at made it pretty clear.
ReplyDelete