Bane's Blogging Blues

Santa Claus, fact or fiction?

2011-12-05T06:21:00.000-08:00

Want to know the truth about the jolly man in red? How he started his life as an elf, founded a colony in the Arctic Circle, saved some lives along the way, and brought joy to the world? Find out in Rick Daley’s spectacular new book, THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS. We’ve got Rick with us here today, answering a few questions:

Bane: In TMITCC, you masterfully interweave three different histories – a clandestine research mission to the Arctic Circle that unearths a mysterious tome; Kris Kringle’s exile from his homeland and perilous expedition to prove human virtue; and an account from long-forgotten Oldenton about a pair of children who thwart their nefarious uncle while embodying the Christmas spirit. As with all second revision history, there’s some interpretation required. TMITCC exudes mystery, charm, flare. It all seems too good to be true, and I wonder, are there any parts in it where you went a bit James Frey on us?

RD: Nope. Unless The Muse was lying to me…

Putting it all together was kind of like piecing together a puzzle: I had Kris Kringle’s history with elves, the people he visited the first Christmas, and all those Christmas traditions, from Christmas trees, stockings, and lumps of coal to jingle bells, the North Pole, and flying reindeer. It was almost like a Sudoku…put one piece in the wrong spot and the whole puzzle fails. But there was one solution underlying it all.

Somehow the pieces snapped together, but to be honest, I have no idea how this story came out of me. Sometimes I was racking my brain trying to untangle plot complexities, word choice, and character motivation, but all the best parts just flowed from within.

Take, for example, the part where Kris meets the reindeer. I knew that it would happen, but never really knew how it would happen until it actually did, and honestly right before the reindeer appeared I thought I had written myself into a corner…but then Donder and Blitzen stepped through the trees and rescued me (and then went on to rescue…well, you know).

Bane: In this book, you discuss how Kris Kringle was raised by elves, but not wholly accepted by many of them because of his human blood. When getting inside Kris’s head, did you draw on your own experiences? Was there a time in your life when you weren’t accepted for your human blood?

RD: Or do you mean, “Was there ever a time when I was accepted for my human blood?” ;-)

I’ve always lived a little on the fringe. I probably tapped into my own life experiences (what writer doesn’t?), and also tapped into the universal feeling of alienation that we all seem to touch on at some point in our younger lives (teenage angst, anyone?), but ultimately I was just following the story.

Because of his childhood Kris doesn’t fully belong to either world—human or Elf—so his emotional conflict is a natural part of who he is, and sorting that out became his primary motivation and is what sets the whole story in motion.

I like that aspect of Kris’ character. It’s something we can all relate to. The conflicts he faces make him more tangible…more real. In most other stories about Santa he’s cool and jolly, and he brings presents and of course everybody loves him, but he exists on such a different plane that it’s tough to connect with him on an emotional level. I needed to bridge that gap.

Bane: Have you heard from Kris or any of the elves since their story went public? Or are they still playing the ‘we don’t exist’ game, hiding away in their Arctic glen?

RD: I could tell you, but then neither of us would ever get another Christmas present.

Bane: Recently, you mentioned that you're prepping RUDY TOOT-TOOT for the world (with plenty of beans, I imagine). I read an earlier incarnation several months back and it was hilarious, so I can’t wait to see him fully flatulent, so to speak. Is Rudy a re-envisioned history, too, something from personal experience…?

RD: Rudy was originally inspired by my first son, when he was about two or three years old. He farted, and I said, “Who are you, Rudy Toot-Toot?”

He asked, “Who’s Rudy Toot-Toot?” and I didn’t really know, the name had just popped into my head, so I had to make him up on the spot: “He’s a little boy who was born on a bean farm.”

The story came out piece by piece. Normally I’m an outliner when I write, but Rudy was totally written by the seat of my pants. (Pants that had the backside blown out by a massive…well, you know.)

Bane: Are there any tidbits you can provide to whet our appetite (that doesn’t quite sound right, does it)?

RD: Don’t worry, it’s not scratch-n-sniff. Rudy has a special power, almost like a super-hero: he can fart. I know what you’re thinking…There’s nothing special about farting. But trust me, Rudy’s story is special.

Rudy is trying to learn how to control his “powers” and having a hard time doing it. After one monstrous emission scares all the customers away from the family bean market and the bank threatens to take away their home, it’s up to Rudy to find a clever way to use his talents to lure the customers back.

Recently I’ve been visiting schools and reading TMITCC and Rudy Toot-Toot to kids. Their reaction has consistently included my favorite two-word expression: “Read more!”

Rudy has them laughing hysterically on page one, every time…and he holds their attention throughout.

Rudy Toot-Toot is first in a trilogy; I’m planning to release the second story in fall 2012 (the first book is slated for a spring release, exact date TBD). There’s also a sequel to The Man in the Cinder Clouds in the works. I won’t give any true spoilers, but I will say that the reindeer will feature more prominently, especially one reindeer who wasn’t born yet on Kris Kringle’s first Christmas…plus a whole sleigh-load of other surprises.

Bane: Thanks to Rick for taking the time out of his schedule. Thank him even more by buying a copy of THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS for you, your kids, and/or your friends and their kids. As Christmas approaches, what better way to celebrate than finally, once-and-for-all, discovering the truth about Santa Claus?

RD: Thanks for having me. Merry Christmas to all, and to all a goodnight!

A little more about Rick and his awesome book:

The Man in the Cinder Clouds

By Rick Daley

A young boy and his scientist father made an incredible discovery at the North Pole—an ancient book embedded deep within an ice core. Even more incredible is the story the book tells: the long-lost history of Santa Claus you never knew…and will never forget.

This origins-of-Santa story is a great holiday read for the whole family. Its mix of action, humor, and Christmas spirit keeps younger readers turning the pages, but The Man in the Cinder Clouds is not just a kids’ book.

As one Amazon.com reviewer puts it, “THE MAN IN THE CINDER CLOUDS is one of those middle grade books that the grown-ups get sucked into along with their kids. You think you bought if for your young reader but after you browse chapter one you just sort of... can't stop.”

This story-within-a-story reveals the origins of our most familiar Christmas traditions: from Christmas trees, stockings, and lumps of coal to jingle bells, the North Pole, and flying reindeer. Highly original and thoroughly entertaining, The Man in the Cinder Clouds will show you how Kris Kringle came to be known as Santa Claus. It wasn’t easy.

About the Author

Rick Daley has been writing professionally for over 15 years. His experience includes marketing copy for print and web, press releases, business proposals, training and technical manuals, and whitepapers. His essays, ranging from family life during the holidays to his first skydiving experience, have been featured in The Columbus Dispatch.

Rick lives in Lewis Center, Ohio with his wife and two sons (and a neurotic schnauzer).

Fun with Wordles

2011-10-07T12:35:00.000-07:00

I'm in the home stretch of my current WIP and decided to go ahead and wordle my 73k to see if I can divine anything:

WIP Wordle

Kissing Dragons Wordle

I compared my 73k of WIP vs. my 88k of KD in its current form. Appears that I use many of the same helper/beat words. In KD, you know there are lots of dragons (see, it says so with my big red dragon, and my big red dragons -- I also have green and blue dragons in case you were wondering, and one Baby, who can kick some serious ass :). Melissa's my main character, but since it's 1st POV, I wouldn't expect her to be too big; James, mr. cute boy, is her love interest, and takes up a nice chunk of screen (yay).

Interestingly, my main love interest in WIP does not. Also written in 1st (past compared to present for KD), Marcus's (MC) LI is Cynthea. Brianne, Sir, and Killian are Marcus's crewmates, however, and play pivotal roles in the story (both in terms of plot and character), so I'm not too worried (and I could attribute this to the fact that my MC is a boy and boy's don't think about girls as much as girls think about boys -- or as much in general :)... I could, but it would be a lie... Between all the asteroids and explosions and war, it's hard for anybody to find time to reminisce on the finer things in life.)

Ultimately, I'm not sure if there's anything too deep I can glean from these, but I sure do like looking at them (and wanting and knowing and something and heads and eyes).

On Steve Jobs and Cult Status

2011-10-06T13:32:00.000-07:00

Tune in to the airwaves and sometimes it seems as if God has died. Visionary, Innovator, the Edison of our time, someone who will be remembered for generations. Steve Jobs was a brilliant man who led an extraordinary life.

Edison, he was not. On an intellectual level, there's no doubt Jobs was up there in the pantheon of greats, but from a historical perspective, I don't see it.

Two gens from now when Apple's a completely different beast (if around at all), electricity will still be flowing through the grid. Jobs's impact on the current cultural paradigm was second to none, but he was a facilitator of historical progression, not a generator. He never invented a product (besides perhaps the first Windows style interface for a computer), he just improved upon them by making them sleek and accessible (which is a tremendously laudable feat in and of itself). And, perhaps above all else, he made technology fun (which in some ways could be dangerous because it might saturate our dependence on tech too fast).

Some of the current idol worship comes from the immediate closeness to his untimely end and the fact that he passed when his company was almost the largest (by Wall Street standards) in the world (second only to Exxon). A man at the top of his game with humble beginnings and an interesting path.

But it also comes from the machine that is Apple. Since the company's meteoric rise in the early 2000s I've wondered what makes them so iconic, inspiring religious loyalty in many of their fans. Some think it's the quality of the product*,but other companies out there with quality products have sunk pretty fast (e.g., Netscape); others believe it's the monopoly that is iTunes (especially in terms of apps; this one's got some of my vote), the 'I'm cooler than you mentality' (a bit of my vote, too), and/or the mysterious allure about what the heck's going on behind their Cupertino doors (formerly at the forefront, a man of mystery himself). Or is it something else, that certain undefinable je ne sais quoi?

I don't know. It's interesting how these dynamics evolve, and also a bit scary (in a general sort of way; in terms of zealotry, following Apple or Steve Jobs is probably one of the best ways to go).

Thoughts?

* The wife and I have collectively owned a shuffle, two nanos, and an itouch. Except for one nano, each of the products crapped out within two years. Software, however, has been flawless (if annoying with all those darn update demands).

How Valuable is an Author's Feedback?

2011-09-15T21:52:00.000-07:00

Most consider Michael Jordan to be the best basketball player of all time. His Airness, however, has proven to be less than competent as a general manager (see Kwame Brown). Similarly, Magic Johnson, another fantastic player, made a horrendous coach (and a worse talk-show host).

Historically, the best coaches/judges of talent/etc. tend to be either middling players (e.g., Phil Jackson) or people who never had a professional career. Analysts suppose this has to do with the fact that the top-tier players don't understand the limitations of their inferiors and, consequently, can't figure out how to squeeze the juice from the lemons.

And I wonder if this applies to writers. I wonder if it applies more so, because we're not just lemons, we're an entire fruit basket. If so, does that mean I should hope I suck as a critter? (and, if I do, I apologize to those I've critiqued :)

How do you know a good critiquer?
Perhaps we should hand out championship rings to more easily identify.

Pave the Path to Hell

2011-09-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

In Scholastic editor Cheryl Klein's book Second Sight (a compilation of talks she's given at conferences throughout the years), she discusses how to get the reader turning that page, breaking it down to three elements: Mystery (who shot JR), Conflict (the escalating fight between JR and killer), Lack (how will JRs loved ones recover).

Lack is the hardest, IMO, Mystery is hard to do well (without pulling that proverbial wool), and Conflict's probably the easiest (external, that is - internal kind of relates back to Lack).

One of the easiest ways to create external conflict is between characters. I hate you is really easy, but a bit overdramatic most of the time and will wear thin ultra-fast without justification. More believable character conflict will occur on an internalization level with subtlety in dialogue, but to really inject truth into fiction (particularly in 1st POV), you can create conflict through misinterpretation of intention.

You know what your characters mean when they act/say something, but the opposing character does not. Sometimes it's hard to separate, and sometimes you might not want to travel down that path if you've got a bunch of other things blowing up, but layering in misinterpretation of intention can create secondary conflicts that add dimensionality to story and characters (e.g., friends aren't always friends), and, in some instances, can juice up the mystery (e.g., if MC interprets character Friend's actions in a certain way, but reader realizes through story development that there's more going on, then author ~~might~~ ~~should~~ will give us breadcrumbs - via Friend or via MC discovery - along the way that lead to mystery solution).

Who needs logic?

2011-08-22T07:41:00.000-07:00

If you haven't seen the above video, enjoy. One of the reasons I love it is because it heavily lampoons the deux ex machina device JKR used in HP3. Now, many people think her writing really started to take off in that book and excelled in the subsequent chronicles. Me... I'm conflicted. Her plotting got a bit crazy at times (Horcruxes and Time Turners are huge, huge plot FUBARs for me), but her great characters and universal themes provide such extraordinary momentum that most overlook those sort of issues.

Likewise, in MOCKINGJAY, SC introduces a plot point midway through the book to create conflict between Gale and Katniss and propel the story forward. K,G, & alpha squad show up in District 2 for the final pre-cap battle. Uh-oh, the mountain's still resisting big time. Gale comes up with the idea to avalanche the mountain... now, I'm no general, but this is pretty much Military Tactics 101, and would have been implemented early on in the battle.

I enjoyed both series immensely and these sort of misconstructs (IMO) obviously don't derail the success train of these books. In part because the stories have so many other things going for them, and in part because these are more plot points than story points (where plot gets you from physical point A to point Z and story gets you from emotional point Normal to emotional point Somewhere Else).

Ultimately, if you can ignite emotional connections/tension, your readers will forgive or even fail to notice the liberties you take with plot points. Character comes first, plot second. Always.

A Good (& Free) E-book by an agency sib.

2011-08-02T14:54:00.000-07:00

Jennifer Nielsen's Elliot and the Goblin War is currently available for free in Kindle format. A good, fun read in the MG world. Did I mention it was free?

Is it better to think you're a better writer than you are or to be a better writer than you think?

2011-08-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Parents are Important

2011-07-14T08:04:00.000-07:00

Recently, I read a published novel where MC's mother got shot (sacrificing herself for MC); a few paragraphs later (after MC was done escaping), MC pretty much says (I pushed Mom and Dad from my thoughts - yes, her father had been killed, too, in the interim). This may have been bearable (though further justification for MC's disregard would have been nice - the character had not been built up as a heartless sociopath), but a couple paragraphs after that, she's making out with her boy toy.

Kill your parents if you need to get them out of the way, but don't breeze over the emotional reaction. I'm all for pacing, but don't sacrifice reality in the situation.

Helps to remember Newton's 3rd Law: Every action has an equal and opposite reaction. Sure, emotional physics play out a bit differently - you can hedge here and there - but keep it real.

What the hell is Clean?

2011-06-29T06:33:00.000-07:00

This has been roiling in my brain too long.

Back during the WSJ YA flareup, someone made a comment on an agent's blog about how she appreciated clean YA books. She cited one in particular that was exciting, but had no sex or cursing. It did, however, have someone getting stabbed in the eye (among other things).

Likewise, I've also seen reviewers describe THE HUNGER GAMES as clean/safe for children to read. Again, no cursing or sex. Just people getting their faces melted off.

Perhaps these are clean books b/c kids don't make a habit of killing, whereas swearing and ~~fucking~~ copulating are the norm. I don't know. But it's a whole lot of bullshit to me. Makes me want to grab a pencil or a flamethrower and get dystopian on some people (the MPAAers of the book world) - promise not to curse while I'm doing it.

What Will Replace the Like Virus?

2011-06-23T13:15:00.000-07:00

When did it like originate? How did it like spread? How is it still, like, in existence? And what will replace it?

Yes, this is what my mind spews out when I'm sitting at a table near a pair of happy-go-lucky teenagers in the throes of intense conversation.

My Writing Labyrinth (or why I Laptop)

2011-06-20T12:13:00.000-07:00

I rarely put pen to paper; this is why:

Needless to say, I was never the tidy engineer in my design groups :)

Why Global Warming Will Be The End of Us (Bane's Theory)

2011-06-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

Not melting ice caps, floods and other weather fubarness, crop loss, resource competition, economic meltdowns or anything quite so complicated.

Heat. Just the damn heat. You know why everything's bigger in Texas? So people can get away from each other. Seriously, when it's hot, the last thing you want to have is some other person sweating up your space. Makes you all sorts of grumpy. So, when escalating population meets escalating heat, you have escalating anger, which leads to thermonuclear warfare (which is like global warming times infinity)... maybe not... but maybe.

Ever wonder why Canadians are so peaceful? Cuz they're cold and want to snuggle.

What Slows You?

2011-06-10T07:13:00.000-07:00

I used to write fast. Not blazing fast, but 2000 words in a few hours wasn't out of the ordinary. 2000 words for me now... if I hit that in a day, I'm over the moon. A part of this slowness stems from the fact that I've switched how I write, going from pantsing it to editing as I go. Heavily. But there are a couple of things in particular that kill my momentum when I'm writing/editing:

1.) Boring sentences. Most books have them. I open the door. Sure, you can make that I open the door, wondering what horror next awaits or some such, but sometimes a door is just a door and your person needs to go outside without having thought tension involved. However, I don't want my person to just open the door. I want to expedite the boring to the point that it's either non-extinct or folded in well enough to disappear. Pain in the ass.

2.) Segues. Moving from one scene to the next in a fluid, logical manner, while keeping it interesting, informative. Relates to number 1 b/c lots of time my segues involve a change of scenery... damn doors.

3.) Dialogue. Used to come easily. Now I am very particular about trying to keep it concise, in voice, and informative. The biggest problem with dialogue for many, I think, is that it comes too easily and thus can allow for scene looseness, either in establishing an authentic environmental atmosphere or propelling the story in the correct direction. Figuring out how to convey the scene feeling in a believable, entertaining, and propulsive way is one of the most challenging elements in writing, IMO.

What about you? Which elements give you the most pause?

The Wondrousness of an Agent.

2011-06-08T06:57:00.000-07:00

This is not a post about traditional pub vs. self-pubbing. Not directly. If you have a choice, if you're not at your complete wit's end, I'd keep going the agency route, or direct to editor (via small press or however). Over a period of a couple years, I struggled through a couple of manuscripts, several several queries, and a couple of heart-shredding close calls, never quite knowing what I was doing wrong (I do now, but that's a post for another day). Now that I have an agent, I realize how it was all worth it.

Sure, there's the obvious... direct injection into the publishing world, a wellspring of knowledge, etc. But that's not what I'm talking about.Many writers suffer a crisis of confidence at one or multiple points throughout their careers. A quality industry professional (agent or editor) telling you, in so many words, 'you're good' (but with far more enthusiasm) rebuilds those walls of self-esteem that get termited away. And they don't just help rebuild, they push you toward new heights.

It is a wondrous thing. So, if all seems dark, keep that in mind if you can as you climb the mountain. A certain sort of awesome awaits at the top that strips away much of the fatigue... until you look up and see the next, taller mountain ahead. But you've got Agent Sherpa at your side to guide you, which makes the continuing journey far more enjoyable.

In Which I Ride the Escalator of Joy

2011-06-03T06:53:00.000-07:00

I've been sitting on this for a few days. I cannot tell you how thrilled, lucky, incredible I feel because I have never quite felt this way before. Three books. Greenwillow (HarperCollins). Virginia Duncan. Wow. Official blurb below:

Joshua McCune's debut KISSING DRAGONS, set in a future where dragon wars have shaped society, a seventeen-year-old girl becomes caught in a deadly conflict of loyalty between the dragon resistance and the government forces who are trying to wipe them out, to Virginia Duncan at Greenwillow, in a three-book deal, by Ammi-Joan Paquette at Erin Murphy Literary Agency (NA).

Dragons, war, romance... did I mention the dragons? I will need to figure out a contest to celebrate. Excelsior!

And here's a link to my awesome agent's write up on the EMLA website.

Writing Rules

2011-06-01T13:11:00.000-07:00

As a writer/author/whatever, I feel like I should have rules that I follow/pass on/FAQtualize. "Everybody else is doing it."

Thing is, I don't have rules. If I were to offer writing advice, it'd be: Make it interesting. However you go about doing that... that's voice. Don't let all the noise interfere with the signal (that's lost voice). Fuck a lot of women (Nope, that's Little Miss Sunshine) Drink a lot of wine (yuk!)...

Honestly, though, be honest with your characters. Put them through hell so they know what heaven is, but don't let them float w/ the angels too long. Or sleep with them.

Weird post over.

RIP, young star.

2011-05-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

Last night, via Twitter, I saw that Bridget Zinn, a YA novelist from Portland passed away after a prolonged struggle against cancer. She was just 33. I never knew Bridget, but her bright personality shines through her website, her videos, the people who knew her.

And though I never had the pleasure of meeting her, I felt a deep sadness. In part, I'm sure, because we are both the same age, in part b/c she won't have the chance to see her debut novel published (POISON, Hyperion 2012), but mostly b/c of the horribly cruel unfairness that is life (which also fills me with sharp anger).

The death of someone so young, so bright, who faced such adversity with incredible outward positivity puts everything in perspective, reminds me how often I take things for granted, how trivial my frustrations are.

Life is short, sometimes tragically so. Be happy.

The Rush to Tell

2011-05-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

Over the past few months, I've realized that I'm a good teller. I can summarize a scene incorporating tension/drama pretty well... this is very bad, because good telling rarely beats good showing (yes, I said rarely b/c there are times I wholeheartedly believe good telling is needed to segue between more important showing).

Good showing tends to be a bit harder for me not b/c I'm not a good show-er, but b/c I tend to be ADD in most things I do, including writing, and I'm always driving hard to get to the scene/chapter/section end in the fewest words possible (my agent might laugh at this since when she asked for a revision, hoping I could get down from 76k to 70k, I ended up sending her the MS at 87k... in the end, we ended up making it a bit longer before going on sub). But the final result is that sometimes I end up ~~wasting time~~ spending extra time rewriting b/c I realize that amping drama through proper, sometimes extended, showing is more critical than creating a fine economy of words (by a skosh).

I'm currently working on 2 big projects at the same time, a first for me, and this helps my focus issues to a degree, but I'm still falling into the trap more than I'd like. Do you have scene foibles, large scale or small, that you find yourself repeating, and, if so, how do you address them?

Ambition, Risk, and Consequence

2011-05-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

Recently returned from Vegas. First and last time probably. Not a big drinker, gambler, or shopper, but the spectacle of Sin City (Sad City?) got me thinking about ambition. Many artists (talented, for the most part) head to Vegas to seek riches in one form or another, and most end up on the sidewalk painting themselves as silver statues, strumming guitars on the bridgewalks, peddling magic tricks to apathetic passerbys...

The nasty side of ambition, of risk, is the consequence of failure. Dream big, fall hard. Do you want to be that small pond fish or venture into the wide, dark ocean where big dreams get swallowed every minute of every day?

With my writing, I always go dark ocean. It scares me b/c I wonder if I've got the skill to swim amongst the sharks, wonder how far I'll fall if the consequence of my ambition and risk never comes to fruition. Keep swimming, right, Dorey? I think this is what I admire most about artists. No matter the odds, no matter the outcome, they strive to live a life less ordinary.

Kneeling at the Altar of Criticism

2011-05-10T09:23:00.000-07:00

I am a critical person. Of myself, of others. It's not a likable trait, but it is an important one for growth, IMO (note: my criticism toward others is usually softened with diplomacy and sometimes sugar... I am a middle child after all)... but at times I wonder if perhaps I am too critical. I just finished reading a fast-paced, well-written, balls-to-the-wall exciting story that's receiving 4 and 5 star glows at Amazon and Goodreads (mostly fivers)... I was one of the few dissenters who went against the grain and gave it 3 stars not for what it was, but for what it wasn't... in part, I wonder if it's because of my nature to go against the crowd, but I also wonder if it's because I expect more than I should (IMO, the book's world fell flat for me, the ambition didn't meet the potential... great writing/story, but in a forced environment that felt smaller than it should have).

And, I wonder, as a fellow writer, should I be less critical. Because writing is hard. Words, sentences, paragraphs are much harder to string together in an interesting manner than most realize. Now try to incorporate a strong world, an authentic plot, and, wow... you're juggling with Cirque while walking the tightrope. Yet, in my mind, five stars should be reserved for the best of the best... those in the flat trough of the bell curve.

Am I too harsh? Maybe... and I wish I could enjoy books more without the in-depth analysis I'm prone to, allow myself to get swept away... and while I'd like to believe that my critical nature is beneficial to my writing among other aspects, at times I wonder if it's crippling.

It's that tightrope to walk between criticism an destruction... and sometimes it's hard to know which way I'm leaning. What about you? Do you ever wonder if you've become too critical, too jaded? ... or if you use too many ellipses :)?

In Which I Celebrate a Step

2011-04-19T10:40:00.000-07:00

So, I've been out of blogdom for a-long-long-while (occasionally lurking at the edges). Partially b/c I was chiseling away at a manuscript. Told myself I'd get back into this with sporadic verve when/if success struck. A wise woman (my wife) once told me to celebrate the little steps. When I had my first story pubbed in an Apex anthology, I was stoked for a day, but then it was nose back to grindstone because that wasn't big enough success in my stupid eyes.

But these past several days have been pure awesome (after about 3-4 months of full-on struggle). After going through some serious revision, I signed with agent Ammi-Joan Paquette of EMLA, who is, as one client described her, a wunderkind ("amazing author, agent... and still only in high-school." Almost that young, and a complete sweetheart). Read more about the path over at MSFV.

Now time to get back to the grindstone.

Adios Portland

2010-07-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

This blog, which has become abandoned and tattered, will be further so as the wif and I make a protracted move from Portland, OR to San Antonio. Though I will not miss the sign-carrying hippies or the crazy bicyclists, I will miss the pristine beauty. If you're ever in Oregon, check out the coast - phenomenally rugged - and Crater Lake, a one of a kind sort of place that amazes even the most jaded dogs.

See you on the other side. In the meantime, I'll be (pre) posting at the Alliterati. Be safe and be happy.

Keep Portland Weird -- Don't Worry

2010-06-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

First, to rectify a situation pointed out to me by Marissa and Martina over at Adventure's in Children's Publishing, let me once again thank everyone for the support and congratulations for NB's recent contest. And, speaking of contests (that's a segue, baby :), check out M&M's awesome one starting Thursday.

It's my day at the archives, but thought I'd share a couple random Portland pics, taken via cellphone:

Yep, that's a house in my driveway.

What every woman needs... a basket for her purse.

What's the strangest thing you've seen IRL?

Stoked

2010-06-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

Ah, the rare Friday post. I'm totally geeked that I'm a finalist in Nathan Bransford's Chase/Action/Suspense Contest. Makes me think I might actually have a clue how to write action, which helps the confidence (kind of like Guitar Hero going from the red zone to the yellow). If you have a chance, go on over and vote for your favorite (and it doesn't have to be mine :)

Stabbing Pain

2010-05-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago I was off the grid intentionally. Last week, not so much. Went on a flight, calf swelled. Not sure why. Couldn't possibly be a DVT. I'm young, in good shape. A few days later. Go to the ER. Admitted to the hospital for a PE (clot in leg traveled to lung). Learned what stabbing pain was. Back on my feet. Feeling fine now, though I'm stuck taking rat poison (blood thinner) for several months. Good times. Moral of the story. No frickin clue. Walk around, I guess. Have a doctor for a wife. Be thankful for dilaudid (10 times stronger than morphine). Anyhoo, still somewhat off the grid, but mostly b/c work's now kicking my non-life-insurable ass. Just updating, and posting occasionally over at the Alliterati.

JFC

2010-05-06T10:34:00.000-07:00

Seriously?

Stochastic

2010-04-20T09:00:00.000-07:00

is the big word I use over at the archives. Don't worry, no discussions on FFTs (fast fourier transforms) and the perils of converting accelerometer time domain data to the displacement frequency domain.

FFS

2010-04-15T11:32:00.000-07:00

Evidently, 'crazy' might become taboo in the coming years. What do we call these people -- mentally challenged is taken. Perhaps mentally deficient. Mentally off-kilter. How bout Mental FUBARs. Too many idiots, not enough assholes. Make me President, and I'll castrate every son-of-a-bitch child molester and rapist out there -- none of this 3 strikes BS (sorry, side rant digression w/ a momentary delusion of grandeur).

Then I read this and everything was okay in the world. Reminded me of this video:
Which is probably the only PG song in the entire movie -- every time I see a montage in any movie, this song plays in my head. For those who aren't offended by crude language, behavior, etc, here's a nice little speech from the same movie that about sums idiocy up.

End this w/ a question. If there were nothing to protest, would there be hippies?

What's Your Song?

2010-04-14T12:19:00.000-07:00

For previous pieces, I haven't had one. But for Kissing Dragons, it's definitely this (a perfect driving beat for the pacing I tend to want):

What about you? Got any songs that you could listen to again and again to really get you going?

(PS - you can loop a youtube video by adding the word 'repeat' to the url: e.g.: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6hI3YUOVg1w becomes http://www.youtuberepeat.com/watch/?v=6hI3YUOVg1w)

I LOVE this guy. Twilight Fans Beware

2010-04-08T12:09:00.001-07:00

And having a British accent only makes him cooler:

What Does This Mean?

2010-04-07T08:19:00.000-07:00

Last night, my wife shared something from the Twilight soundtrack w/ me. An alright melody, but could someone please explain the lyrics? Or, if that's not possible, take a guess at how many pounds of dope the singer smoked before composition.

Hook -- No Line or Sinker, though

2010-04-01T08:41:00.000-07:00

Did you hear - Topeka, KS is changing its name to Google. Used to be something like this would get my jaw droppin' - today, I'm a bit quicker on the uptake. If you like pranks, get 'em out today, if you don't, feel free to slap the prankster (or upload a virus to their cloud computing network).

PSA

2010-03-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

1st vid is a bit enlightening (Toyota: Moving Forward -- hello, Irony):
The 2nd vid is public squirrel amusement -- smart and cute (screw you, bird lovers :)

KD

2010-03-26T08:43:00.000-07:00

So, I partook in Miss Snark's First Victim blog contest that mandating sending in 25 words or less of the beginning of one's story. People read the entries and deem whether they're hooked or not. My entry has received favorable treatment, which is great, because, as some of you know, I've been iterating on that sucker for a long time. Even when it posted, I was still worried, confused (and, in general me style, cynical).

But, ultimately, what's the first sentence if the next 10,000 don't back it up? To be fair, the first paragraph or 2 can be the back breakers. Sharon Mayhew is running a follow-up contest of similar styling to MSFV's, but that calls for the first four sentences. The anonymous posting allows for nice, relatively unbiased feedback, IMO. But, since I'm the consummate shy wallflower, I'm gonna step into the shallow end here and see what you guys think. Any feedback is super appreciated:

When Trish called and invited me to go dragon hunting, I should have trusted my instincts. Now I’m trapped in a car with her and a couple of wannabe farmboys whose idea of Friday night fun is sneaking onto the rez, climbing Dragon Hill, and getting their pictures taken next to Old Man Blue.

While she’s riding shotgun and laughing at Konrad Kline’s lame jokes about tonguing lizards, I’m stuck in the back with Preston Williams, a self-proclaimed dragonologer who spends his time chasing rumors and compiling snuff vids from the net. He’s got greasy black hair and clumps of facial fuzz on his cheeks that are almost as attractive as his beady brown eyes, which seek out my chest as if it were a hunk of cheese.

I Like Stupid Songs

2010-03-18T08:14:00.000-07:00

First, thank y'all (I'm getting ready for my move back to Texas) for your well wishes. Though I'm not big into music, it is one of the things that gets me past the rough spots... sometimes it's the deeper type songs (or even semi-deep) like this:

or my fave slow song of all time:

But sometimes it's the stupid songs:

or:

What sort of silly things do you like - whether they get you through the rough patches or just make you smile? I'm already guessing Rick's answer... perhaps one of the best reasons to have kids.

PoD

2010-03-17T17:40:00.000-07:00

A couple of years ago, I went to the bank with some treasury notes my grandfather had gotten for me when I was a child. They had the phrase "PoD" written on them. I thought it knew what it meant, but wanted to be sure. The bank teller confirmed my suspicion - Payable on Death... I always joked with my grandfather that I better never be able to cash them.

On March 10, 2010, those treasury notes became cashable.

My grandfather was a son of Greek immigrants, raised a Jew in New York before leaving his religion behind and joining the Army. He received a Silver Star and a Purple Heart for some of the crazy missions he flew as a B17 navigator, before moving into industry and retiring to Texas. He outlived two wives, but even to the end, he maintained a passion that I always admired. He was a tough man who didn't have a social filter -- if he thought you were overweight, he'd tell you, if he thought you were a slacker, he'd tell you. Perhaps that's why I got along so well with him.

And though he didn't admit love easily until the end of his life, he was one of those people who always took care of family no matter what. I wish all of you this sort of uncompromising loyalty -- perhaps a rose with a few less thorns... it's one of those things that's nearly impossible to comprehend until it's no longer there.

It's On

2010-03-15T14:35:00.001-07:00

Live from Phoenix (in transit back to Portland): The Alliterati are open for business.

Photo Redux

2010-03-11T11:27:00.000-08:00

Going through Yahoo's most emailed photo collection is always fun:

Yahoo's caption: An engineering student soothes Yotaro, a robot which emulates a real baby at Tsukuba University in Japan. Yotaro's face, made of soft translucent silicon with a rosy hue, is backlit by a projector connected to a computer to simulate crying, sneezing, sleeping and smiling, while a speaker can let out bursts of baby giggles.

Bane's: Creepy

Yahoo's caption: A giraffe foal tries to stand shortly after being born at Aalborg zoo in northern Jutland February 11, 2010.

Bane's: Making Bambi feel like a mastodon

Yahoo's caption: Victoria Lacatus, a 25-year-old pregnant woman weighing 528 pounds (240 kilograms), is lifted by firefighters out of an ambulance in Bucharest, Romania on Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2010. Lacatus gave birth to her first baby on Thursday, Feb. 18, 2010, at a hospital equipped to treat obese people

Bane's: Seriously?

Yahoo's caption: A white tiger rests inside an enclosure at Beijing Zoo in Beijing, China, Monday, Feb. 8, 2010. There are fewer than 50 wild tigers left in China today, living in Yunnan, Tibet, Jilin and Helongjiang, according to Xie Yan, the China program director of the Wildlife Conservation Society. The organization is working with the Chinese government to help protect Amur tigers from poachers and develop new habits to their survival

Bane's: Dad

Yahoo's caption: Lolo, a black Jaguar, plays with her newborn spotted cub inside their cage at Jordan's zoo in Yaduda February 16, 2010. The two-month-old cub made his first public appearance on Tuesday after being born to Lolo and Falah, who originate from South America

Bane's: Mom

The End of Times

2010-03-09T11:56:00.000-08:00

Another sign of the coming apocalypse: A sequel to Phantom of the Opera. Sequelitis runs rampant in movies and books, but now its hitting the bastion of hoity toitiness right between the eyes, and with a title like "Love Never Dies," I'm expecting the phantom's demise to come at the hands of 007. What's next: "Twilight, The Musical: Fear The Sparkle"?

Equivocation.

2010-03-04T12:57:00.000-08:00

Coming clean, none of those statements were completely true, nor were they completely false:

1.) Thankfully, I was never called Chiquita -- that was someone else. A shit-eating-grin player sort of guy whose real name was forgotten for several months :). Stork was another engineer's sobriquet... The rest, however, were true... I'm not sure why all my black friends think so highly of me ;)
2.) When I was 5, if you gave me the equation (3x = 6), I could solve for it. Give me something harder (3x+2y=7; 4x-5y=15), and I'd go watch Transformers. Same goes w/ the Calculus bit -- could do simple derivatives, but had no clue what the hell I was doing... Reminds me how my Dominican engineer friend (the fellow cashier) used to say I could do triple integrals in my head... that would have been nice, but not anywhere close to true.
3.) This one very well may have been true, but we weren't the sort of engineers who actually figured out such information. We were blazing fast though... and were usually spot on, give or take 10 cents (we usually erred low, except w/ the pricks).
4.) In high school, I could Erg a mile in under 5:00, not 4:30 -- not sure if Olympic level rowers can do that. Today, though I will clock in at around 5:15

5.) Mark McGwire hit a home run in every game I went to, but I only attended about 10 games... still pretty cool.

6.) I remember my sister drawing the knife, and I remember laughing at her. She remembers me drawing the knife... not sure why since I was twice her size, but perhaps she's right (read: she's crazy :)

7.) While teaching for The Princeton Review, I evaluated more than 25,000 essays. If I'd gotten to 100,000, I think my eyes would have imploded.

PS - I wasn't raised a Jehovah's Witness either... but my brother is a Mormon.

Pathological

2010-03-02T12:16:00.000-08:00

Deb, one of the coolest ether people I know, gifted me with this the other day. She's listed some rules, but I can't even color inside the lines, much less follow rules. One I'll take a stab at, though, is telling a few outrageous lies, maybe sprinkled with truth. I do come from a family with a pathological exaggerater (Dad) and a pathological misremberer (Sister -- and, yes, when I say this in my head, I say it like Darth Vader in ROTJ, when he's trying to pull Luke out of the shadows), so the things I might think true might very well not be. And I'm supposed to pass this on, but being born a Jehovah's Witness and having a Mormon brother, I feel bad for trying to make people lie, so I'll award this to anybody who, like my family, likes to distort facts for purposes of self-aggrandizement, for sheer fun of story, or just because they're a little loco en la cabeza.

Here goes:
1.) Some nicknames I've acquired over the years: Slick (Dad), Sunshine (Mom - what was she thinking?), Horsemonkey (high school friend - thanks, Eugene), Aryan Nation (black high school friend), Remi (from Higher Learning - thanks, Q, my black college roommate), Chiquita (that bitch from Mexico), Stork (my fellow college engineers).
2.) I learned basic Algebra at the tender age of 5, and basic Calculus by the time I was 9.
3.) While working as a cashier in college dorms, my Dominican friend and I could move a line of 300 people through the cafeteria in under thirty minutes... that's 1 person every six seconds... math on the fly, baby! Suck it, McDonalds.
4.) In high school, I could Erg a mile in under 4:30. Today I'll clock in at around 5:15
5.) I went to twenty Orioles vs. A's games as a kid and my then favorite player Mark McGwire hit a home run in each one.
6.) My sister once drew a knife on my when we were teenagers. I laughed at her.
7.) While teaching for The Princeton Review, I evaluated more than 100,000 students' essays for SAT, ACT, MCAT, GMAT, and LSAT tests.

A Dog's Last Day

2010-02-26T09:43:00.000-08:00

I lied about the lying post being next -- not enough time to fabricate and formulate, so I'll end the week w/ some Friday cuteness. This video is titled "What Tolerance Looks Like," but notice how it cuts out when Mr. Yum Yum's about to lay down the hammer. Happy Weekend, everyone.

A Laker's Man

2010-02-24T08:49:00.000-08:00

Thanks to the wholesome, boy-friendly Susan for this:

Unfortunately, I can't accept it b/c I can only think of two others to pass it along to besides the fine folks Susan did. However, since I believe in breaking rules, I'll pass this along to Void (he just got married and his manly quotient is magnified tenfold, despite bachelor opinion to the contrary) and Adam (who is about to have another child, and, given the pedigree, I imagine we'll have another great human in progress). Since I'm breaking rules, I'll attach no strings, unless one wishes to comply w/ them:

Strings, according to Susan: Tell a couple of things about yourself, the name of your fave guy book, fave sports moment, favorite manly man movie, fave manly music, fave food w/ no nutritional value:

1.) Thing about myself: Though I'm a mechanical engineer, I'm more a gym rat than a gear head (though I've been doing lots of work with gears recently - worm, spur, gear racks)
2.) Fave guy book: George R.R. Martin's Game of Thrones.
3.) Fave manly movie: not sure, though I'm not a huge fan of Godfather, Rocky, Raging Bull, etc... perhaps a symptom of being a Laker's Man (though I'm not a huge Jack fan either).
4.) Fave manly music: Rammstein (Du Hast), Korn (Twisted Transistor), Eminem (Till I Collapse), GNR (It's So Easy)
5.) Fave food: pizza, Mexican, doughnuts, cookie dough... this list could go on forever (and is probably the reason I'm a gym rat).

All of the above is true to the best of my knowledge. For the next post, I'll work on lying

Why the Olympics Suck

2010-02-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

I'm coming out of my blogging hiatus (mostly b/c of work, but also b/c it was relaxing... I know, not proper protocol -- but as Tony Horton of P90X says about the recovery drink -- I'd highly recommend it. Wish I could say I was in Vancouver, but, alas, no) swinging (don't you love those long parentheticals between words that completely interrupt the flow and comprehension? I know I do :)...

There's a lot to like about the Olympics. Unadulterated joy, ~~Sponsorless~~ less sponsored competition, not-so-inventive-but-fun things to do w/ medals, etc. But if it weren't for my wife's need for all things ice skating, I'd probably avoid the Olympics for these 3 reasons:

1.) Tape Delay - I live in the same time zone as Vancouver, yet, somehow, see nothing live. This is fine if the games are in China or I'm in 1980, but not in the Internet Age. I can't even see curling in real time... NBC sucks.

2.) Sympathy Stories - the personal pieces the networks always do on various contenders to evoke sympathy/empathy and indoctrinate support are fine to an extent, but I feel like each of these things is a Lifetime movie of the week. If you want sympathy, try for sincerity over heavy-handedness.

3.) Figure skating. This is one of the few events that's okay to watch tape-delayed b/c of the artistry, funky costumes, and Johnny Weir. Ice dancing would be okay, except they keep referring to spins as "twizzles," which nullifies the credibility of the sport, IMO. Seriously, twizzle? Sounds like a toddler's snowboard trick.

Figure skating makes me want to rip my ears off and swallow them. God help me, but if I spent a day locked in a room w/ Sandra Bezic one of us wouldn't survive. The NBC announcers will tell you about 'musicality' (which is kind of like 'voice' in the skating world, I think) until the cows come home (which, in the winter, is never, b/c the cows are already home), but they won't actually tell you about the music the skater's skating to. Try being useful. Hopefully soon, technology will allow us to listen to the environment but silence these yahoos.

Switch That Which

2010-02-09T16:24:00.000-08:00

I’ll readily admit I’m a bit of a grammar snob. When I see i.e. (i.e., ‘that is’ – i.e., everything in the set) used in place of e.g., (i.e., for example – i.e., not everything in the set), I die a little inside. Well, not really, but that’s the level of grammar uppity-uppity I’m at (yes, Virginia, this sentence intentionally ends w/ a preposition – b/c I’m not at that level, though, if you keep reading, you’ll find that I am at that level – yes, kill me now, fear me later).

Worse than id est vs. exempli gratia, and perhaps worse than improper use of conditionals and subjunctives (e.g., ‘I wish I wasn’t a grammar snob’ – even writing that ‘was’ there hurt), is the misuse of that and which (the latter usually for the former). i.e. vs e.g. doesn’t pop up in most non-technical writing and misuse of were vs. was can be attributed to style or character, even if not intended. That vs. Which, however, has no excuse. E.g., in a recent article, the culprit wrote the following:

Stringer violated an NCAA bylaw which states that managers may not participate as practice players with the institution's team if they are not eligible student-athletes.

Of course, I’m sure said offender thought that 2 ‘that’s separated by a single word was bad news, though the cynic in me believes that had that offender removed that that, they’d still have used that which. That is to say, that perhaps that sentence should have been written as such:

Stringer violated an NCAA bylaw that states [optional that] managers may not participate as practice players with the institution's team if they are not eligible student-athletes

or

Stringer violated an NCAA bylaw, which states [optional that] managers may not participate as practice players with the institution's team if they are not eligible student-athletes

Yes, I’m sometimes the self-recognized mayor of crazyville, but give me 5 adverb modified dialogue tags and a sparkling vampire before that insidious which.

TMA

2010-02-08T11:48:00.000-08:00

First, congrats to the Saints! Though I was rooting for the Colts, this is one of those times where I think (even if you're a die-hard Indianapolis fan, which I'm not) you can be happy the other team won.

I was thinking about calling this post TMI, but too much information isn't what's boggling my mind. It's Too Much Advice. I definitely feel inundated and pulled every which way sometimes, as I'm sure we all do given the wealth of opinions floating through the cosmos. I'd trust my gut, but it seems to have been resected and replaced with a sieve of indecision created by internet-produced midichlorians.

What about you? Are there days when you feel like your head's gonna explode from advice overload, when you wish for a court-ordered mandate to shutdown the internet for a few days (or months)?

Chrome

2010-02-03T14:37:00.000-08:00

If you haven't checked out Google Chrome, I'd highly recommend it. I've been using it since its launch and it's infinitely better than Internet Explorer (faster/better pages loads, better security, more intuitive IMO). I'm not a huge Firefox aficionado, but whenever I used it before I just thought it was a slightly morphed IE. Chrome's different. And the best part, it's open-source and keeps having cool things added to it (Google is the proprietor of Blogger since 2003, FYI). Today I discovered themes (play dress up w/ your browser) and extensions (kind of like baby-apps for your browser).

Swift as Water

2010-02-01T08:15:00.000-08:00

..." she said, her voice swift as water. - from The Memory Keeper's Daughter by Kim Edwards.

I was listening to this BOT recently, and when I heard this, my immediate thought was, what the heck does that mean? This was fairly early in the book and the speaking character hadn't been developed enough to know whether 'swift as water' was to be taken on the up and up (e.g., swift as rushing water) or in a more ironic way (e.g., swift as pond water).

As some of you know (i.e., those I've betad for), I'm not a huge fan of similes/metaphors because I believe they lose their power if overused. Not to say that I don't like the occasional one, but please just use ones that make sense and aren't inserted just because you like the sound or flow. Contextually, there was no need for the above simile (it was like 2 words of dialogue, which is hard to make too swift or too slow regardless of the water involved), and even were the character a rapid-fire talker, I'd still like something modifying water (because most water ain't particularly swift, unless it's swift as pressure washer water, which is just awkward, never mind being dangerous).

PS - In an effort to not seem like a complete jump-to-grump, I did appreciate most of Ms. Edwards' writing; the above just threw me off a bit when I heard it.

Motivate

2010-01-27T08:30:00.000-08:00

Along the lines of people from walmart, I recently found another site to peruse that will help fight the humpday blues (full disclosure: I discovered the site when I was searching for a pic that always makes me smile... to find said pic, type: "quickly children into Pikachu's" -- google will fill in the rest... hilarious if you haven't seen it before, and still pretty sweet if you have)

RIP Kindle: 11/19/07 - 1/26/10

2010-01-22T11:03:00.000-08:00

One of the biggest events in my industry is the consumer electronics show (CES), a place where tech companies can demonstrate their newest, coolest toys. The big thing at this year's CES was tablets. Now, while I have a hard time seeing a large market for these 10" amped up iTouches (tablets, btw, found little market insertion a decade ago when they were also going to be the "next big thing."), there's a large drive to get these suckers to market (and, in fairness, the technology today is far more conducive for success than that of yesteryear).

Apple, the spoiled princess of the group, rarely shows her nifty gadgetry at CES, instead waiting for the ugly stepchildren to go home before attending the ball... their own ball, January 26th, in which they'll present something that many think will be a game-changer (expect large stock movement either direction next Wednesday).

Steve Jobs, Apple's normally brilliant CEO, will not let pride or an incorrect diagnosis stop him from chomping into the e-reader market with iPod-like tenacity. Amazon's Kindle has enjoyed marked success, but because of its limited functionality and a price-tag that will quickly become obsolete, methinks the Apple assassin will claim yet another victim.

Ah! My Ears!

2010-01-20T10:59:00.000-08:00

I am so glad I do not have children right now. Specifically, female children. Specifically specifically, female tween children.

I was on iTunes last night and saw this singer near the top of the downloaded music list named Justin Bieber, some 15-year-old from Canada youtube sensation turned recording artist. I thought boy-bands made me cringe, but Mr. Bieber makes me reminisce fondly about the days when NSync ruled the charts. To me, JB is the musical version of Twilight. I'm just waiting for Disney to get a hold of him.

For your listening enjoyment (you have been warned):

Screw The Easy Button

2010-01-19T09:07:00.000-08:00

I had one of those weekends where nothing seemed to go right, one of those weekends where you're actually looking forward to Monday. Lo and behold, Monday comes along and smacks me upside the head for my ignorance of hope. I start off w/ a morning fender bender and end the day with a piggy moment that leaves me spectacle free and half-blind.

Relativistic theory shows that forward time travel is possible, but I don't care about such things. If a physicist could prove reverse time travel and subsequently invent a machine that allowed even a couple of seconds of retrotemporal distortion, I would deify him/her. How awesome would it be to have our own personal Ctrl+Z button? Of course, we'd never get anything done b/c everyone would be reversing at everyone else's whim, but what's wrong with that, I say? Getting things done is so overrated.

What about you? Are you Easy (e.g., press a button and have an agent, voila) or Ctrl+Z? And what would you do with your power?

God Hates Haiti (PG-13)

2010-01-14T10:35:00.000-08:00

Didn't you hear? Evidently, the country has suffered years of torment because one Haitian a few hundred years back may or may not have made a pact with the devil to gain independence from French occupation. Now, making pacts w/ the devil isn't even against one of the 10 Commandments (though I'm sure it's implicit). Thou Shalt Not Kill ranks pretty high on the list, though, and, as I recall, we Americans did lots of unwarranted killing in our time (there's a reason we have things like The Trail of Tears), but somehow we haven't received nearly as much of God's wrath (though Katrina, evidently, was a sign of His unhappiness with us according to Robertson).

GMAFB.

Certain groups annoy me (e.g., sign-carrying hippies, politicians), but none gets my hackles up more than the religious crazies. What compels people to pile on to others' suffering? Fine, be apathetic, believe it's God's will/vengeance/etc, whatever, but if you can't say anything nice, just shut the fuck up and let the people who aren't sententious bastards do the heavy lifting.

Full Disclosure: I do not believe in a higher being, but were I a believer, I would sure as hell seek a divinity that's not the angry, resentful (and somewhat capricious) son of a bitch portrayed by Mr. Robertson.

Fluid Mechanics

2010-01-11T10:03:00.000-08:00

No, I'm not talking Navier-Stokes today (nor will I ever :), though, in a quasi-analogous way, this post does focus on laminar (i.e., nonturbulent) and turbulent flow. In one of her very useful revision-o-rama posts, Mary Kole over at kidlit discussed what makes a hot plot. I'm reposting her drawing below:

To paraphrase her descriptions and to use fluid mechanics analogy:
1.) Protag in normal state (i.e., hovering between laminar/turbulent boundary) - usually the beginning chapter or 2.
2.) Protag in happy state (i.e., laminar, flowing right in the middle of the pipe) - usually the first 15 - 25% of book.
3.) Protag in unhappy/agitated state (hello turbulence) - most of the rest of book.
4.) Protag returns to new,better normal state (back to laminar, but now protag's gone from steel pipe to a golden one).

A perfect example that follows this flowing arc is Harry Potter. (The movie Avatar follows this quite well too).

Now, one of my big big problems is I tend to skip right past section 2 (and sometimes skimp on section 1) and slip right on down the slide (always hated those calm stretches on the flume rides). With Kissing Dragons, I'm trying very hard not to press the accelerator, but even with an outline to guide me into calmer waters where the reader can become more familiar with the characters/setting (and thus establish a comfort level with the protag and a trust level with the author), I'm having a hard time because I want to keep veering toward the waterfall.

And more internal conflict comes when I think about a book like The Hunger Games, which doesn't really have a rise (though it does have some calm spots amongst the rapids). Calm spots I can do, I'm just not sure if I can float down the river for more than a page or two without tossing in some whirlpools.

What say you? Go with your natural flow, or fight the tide to get in line with most of the ships? (Okay, I promise no more nautical/fluidish analogies for the rest of the year).

Feeling Like an Ant Yet?

2010-01-06T11:06:00.000-08:00

So, I had the oh so brilliant repeat revelation yesterday that there are a lot of frickin people in this world (the internet reminds me everyday w/ its vast legions of anonymous peons -- of which I include myself, lest you think this a derogatory slight against others -- i.e., we're all peons :).

Looking at this graph just shows me how insignificant we all are (yeah, this is a gloom and doom post :) Let's see, back in Charlemagne's time, it would have taken 40,000 Banes (like a Dane, where B replaces D and B = badass) to make up 1/100 of 1% of the population (admittedly, we were probably all serfs).

Today, it would take 700,000 Banes to make up 1/100 of 1% (and we're all living in China, along w/ our wives). If we look at optimistic (pessimistic?) estimates for high population, by the year 2050, it'll take 1,000,000 Banes. But heck, if we type long enough on those typewriters, we'll be able to reproduce the works of Shakespeare, right, or at least maybe figure out what it all means, where the ambiguous 'it' could refer to this post, our ant-ness, how the pyramids were built without aliens, or an infinitude of other possibilities (like, why is infinitude a word -- sounds like a lazy linguist came up with this one).

On a more positive note that has absolutely nothing to do with our freakish smallness (hey, at least we aren't really ants... could you imagine having to dodge all those shoes. Talk about major suckage), here's a funny vid (well, quasi-related, b/c, w/o so many ants, how would we have come up w/ the internet? We'd still be figuring out how to build trebouchets to get rid of those alien overlords):

Are You EGA, VGA, HD?

2010-01-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

This is, of course, a resolution question (BTW - Happy New Year!) from a computer dork :). Me, I'm probably CGA - I don't believe too much in resolutions/goals b/c I think it sets us up for failure (I'm C-3P0, not Han Solo). Of course, that doesn't mean I'm not Air Force (Aim High - is that still their slogan?), it just means I don't enumerate my wants/desires/needs to remind me of potential failure.

What about you? Do you have specific resolutions? And are they high resolution (other than that one we all want, that 108" 1080p publishing contract :)?

PS - anybody else miss those EGA days?

Blogging Off

2009-12-21T20:30:00.000-08:00

I'm going off my ether through New Year's. May all of you enjoy a safe, fun, and happy holiday season. Cheers!

Happy Solstice Day - Go See Avatar

2009-12-21T10:01:00.000-08:00

How's that for a segue? :) -- check out Laura's post for a more in depth rundown. If you're looking for a Ferngully meets Smurfs (supposedly a Smurf movie is coming sometime next year) meets Thundercats meets Aliens meets Dances with Wolves meets Speaker for the Dead, you can't beat this movie. Seriously, though, if you love epic movies (e.g., LOTR, Braveheart, etc.), you'll love Avatar. You don't need to see it in IMAX or 3D (though these will amplify the experience), you just need to see it.

Best movie of the year. Man's answer to New Moon (though, in unfairness, New Moon appeals primarily to you crazy double Xers, whereas Avatar appeals to everybody. It's a romance after all -- a romance w/ some ass-kicking wyverns, gunships, and a few good men (along with a few hundred gung-ho jarheads)).

Heck, it's even Robin Hood: Prince of Thievesish. If I have one minor nit, it's the fact that the smurf/thundercat hybrids are a bit too Native Americanish (w/ Mr. Indian himself, Wes Studi, playing one of the tribal leaders). Cameron could have gone a bit more imaginative on that front, but that's digging deep to find a flaw.

Check it out.

He chortled, I cringed.

2009-12-17T09:48:00.000-08:00

Chortled, guffawed, snickered (sometimes). These words make my skin crawl and my teeth itch (teeth itching -- WTF?). Not exactly sure why (probably my irrational dislike for extreme emotions ;), but I just don't see people doing these things. People laugh, but how often do they throw their heads back and 'roar with laughter?' To some extent, we want to embellish the realities within our stories to make them grander than reality, but the aforementioned words (to name a few) normally pull me away from the story b/c I'm thinking (what's wrong with this person? -- only bleedin' nutters guffaw). Everything in proportion, I say.

What about you? Are there words/phrases that make your blood boil (not a huge fan of this one either, unless we're talking literal, serial-killer style)?

If you wear hoop earrings, I apologize in advance.

2009-12-15T07:19:00.000-08:00

I was watching an episode of Friday Night Lights on DVD a few weeks back and my wife comments to me (with a knowing grin) something along the lines of: "oh, she's a whore" about one of the characters. Now, this probably could have been gleaned from her outfit or makeup, but my wife tells me her dead giveaway:

It wasn't b/c the girl resembled a Kardashian, it was because of the large hoop earrings. Who knew!? Evidently, unbeknownst to moi, the size of one's hoops is proportional to one's likelihood to engage in the horizontal mambo. Now, I'm not exactly sure where the moralistic intercept is on the whore to earring-size graph, but every time I now see a woman w/ hoop earrings, I can't help but think of my wife's blithe words.

Are there any silly stereotypes (common or uncommon -- this earring thing seems uncommon to me, but perhaps ye of the fairer persuasion can enlighten me) that you can't help but think about when you observe them?

Do you need a Cheerleader?

2009-12-14T09:15:00.000-08:00

No, not these type of cheerleaders. (and, if anybody's in the know, what's the big scuff up between rally girls and cheerleaders?)...

I mean this sort of cheerleader:

This is Tony Horton, from P90X, a world-class fitness trainer, and someone who annoys the hell out of me. He's constantly yammering through these workout videos, "motivating" us to push for more ("do your best, and forget the rest" is the platitude of choice). Now, I imagine, some people appreciate this little kick in the pants, but I can normally do without it.

What about you? Do you need a cheerleader (spouse, blog buddies, chocolate, whiskey, etc.) to propel you, or is your inner-drive usually strong enough to get you through the tough spots? Don't get me wrong. Sometimes it's necessary to have somebody to lean on, but I'd like that person to be sh**-eating grin free.

Free The Princess.... and sell the wench to the highest bidder.

2009-12-09T23:16:00.000-08:00

Curses on Matty D for "tagging" me. I thus tag Christine (who, unlike moi, has some pretty sweet poetry), Renee (who, unlike me, remains optimistic through it all), Steph (who is much bolder than ole Bane when it comes to traveling outside his/her comfort zone), and Laura (the straightest shooter I know).

PS - I apologize for the extra black background... blogger's gone a bit facocked on me. POS.

1. What's the last thing you wrote? What's the first thing you wrote that you still have?
Last thing: the first paragraph of my next novel, Kissing Dragons. The first thing (on my current laptop) is a quasi-memoir I wrote for my father's birthday in 2003. I haven't read it in awhile, but when I do, it makes me realize how lucky I am to have such a wonderful father (crazy as he may be ;)

2. Write poetry?
Hell No! The last piece of poetry I did was for a senior high school project. My poem: "Why Poetry is Pointless." The class loved it; the teacher, not so much. For a good poem, check out Christine's blog.
3. Angsty poetry?
Skip

4. Favorite genre of writing?
Fantasy, sci-fi, horror.
5. Most annoying character you've ever created?
Probably Rik from The Lost Children Chronicles. But, hey, at least he doesn't sparkle.
6. Best Plot you've ever created?
I like my Divine Flux plot -- the ultimate game of the Gods --> chess w/ 2 children as pawns.
7. Coolest Plot twist you've ever created?
Again, have to go to Divine Flux -- incorporating and intertwining myths. Very fun.
8. How often do you get writer's block?
Rarely. Usually just have writing spurts and starts.
9. Write fan fiction?
No.
10. Do you type or write by hand?
The only U (for unsatisfactory) I got in grade school was in Handwriting. I do occasional random notes by hand, though, and try to decipher them later. Usually it's a cross between cursive and print, which is supposed to be indicative of psychosis -- go figure.
11. Do you save everything you write?
Yes.
12. Do you ever go back to an idea after you've abandoned it?
No, not yet, but I do leapfrog from a previous idea.
13. What's your favorite thing you've ever written?
The Goblin Prince. For those who read TLCC, it's a very similar premise, but written for an older audience w/ a much darker, more somber tone.
14. What's everyone else's favorite story that you've written?
Stealing Matt's answer: That remains to be seen.
15. Ever written romance or angsty teen drama?
Double steal: God no. I've included romantic subplots in my stories, but that's about it. And angsty teen drama bores me to tears (especially when things sparkle in the sun).
16. What's your favorite setting for your characters?
Well, I've had tunnels in every book (and Kissing Dragons will also have tunnels despite my best intents), so it must be tunnels.
17. How many writing projects are you working on right now?
Mostly in the fermentation phase for Kissing Dragons as I query TLCC
18. Have you ever won an award for your writing?
Nope.
19. What are your five favorite words?
I like Rick's answer. Other words: eldritch, aqualine, marmoreal, evanescent, abattoir.
What character have you created that is most like yourself?
From TLCC, probably something of a combination of Kevin, Prince, and Jenson.
21. Where do you get ideas for your characters?
Usually in the shower :)
22. Do you ever write based on your dreams?
Nah, my dreams are far too crazy for stories.
23. Do you favor happy endings?
I like realistic endings, though for MG stories, happy endings are better.
24. Are you concerned with spelling and grammar as you write?
Always.
25. Does music help you write?
Sometimes, but usually it just fades into the background.
26. Quote something you've written. Whatever pops into your head.

Um, nothing pops into my head, so I'm going digging. Here are the last few lines from The Goblin Prince:

Though I am nothing more than a wretched goblin dying in the shadows of your world, I want those forsaken children who disappeared from their beds in the middle of the night to know that I’m doing my best to ensure that I am the last of our kind.

And to the children of the morrow, if you see shadows in your closet or hear creaks in your attic, there’s a good chance it’s Max and me stopping by to check on you.

Smile; we’ll see you.

Say hello; we’ll hear you.

But whatever you do, don’t come looking for us.

We’re doing our best to keep you safe, but there’s a chance that the shadows you see belong to Blins on the Harvest and the creaks you hear come from Pyrrics on the prowl.

Stay in your bed and say your prayers. We’ll try to protect you.

Random Cool Stuff

2009-12-08T20:15:00.000-08:00

So, was doing some shopping for my bro and his wife, who just recently got a PS3 to watch movies. They don't play games on it b/c, well, they're Mormon... nah, just kidding. They are Mormon, but they don't play games on it b/c they'd rather rot their minds watching movies :). Anyhoo, I know they don't like typical platform games, but they might enjoy puzzle games. Unfortunately, most PS3 puzzle games are network only (i.e., you've got to download them... and digital gifts are kinda cruddy, IMO -- one drawback of e-books, yes?). But, while doing some research, found a very cool game for the Engineer/Artist in all of us:

While doing some more "research" for my SIL, my wife came across this glorious website. Our favorite was that one -->

though there were plenty others (many of them crude -- I love the one that starts 'You say Tomato') that are too precious.

Finally, if you're eagerly awaiting L.T. Host's Mad Lib Friday, I've got something to tide you over.

Congrats to The Ducks - Winners of The Ugly Bowl

2009-12-04T08:48:00.000-08:00

So, I'm not a native Oregonian, but if I were, I would have been thrilled by the national sports spotlight directed toward the Pacific NW last night. You see, the fearsome yellow and green Ducks were playing the ravenous orange and black Beavers for a trip to The Rose Bowl in the 113th Civil War (which probably half the states name their games between in-state rivals, independent of sport or import). The general populous was in a Texas-size fervor that bordered on mania on Monday and plunged into complete ridiculousness last night (yes, that's a giant Donald Duck impostor crowd surfing -- Ohio State, be afraid, be very afraid).

So, are there any events that cause people to dress like this in your neck of the woods?

Happy Friday, everyone. Stay warm, and remember to breathe.

This One's For Laura

2009-12-03T08:13:00.000-08:00

I want to thank Bridget (i.e., J.B. Chicoine), Laura, Steph, and Anita for their recent generosities. And, in general, I want to thank everyone for their continued support and good-naturedness. I'm not sure who I'd pass the awards on to, so I might have to come up with my own and start a new endless loop :)

Now, to appease Laura to some extent, I've included a picture of me to the left (hint: I'm not the girl :). This is my preferred attire, though sometimes my wife forces me to dress up (though I wore neither tie nor suit to our wedding, bless her soul).

Not too much interesting about me that I didn't mention here.

One other piece of information that will surely make the gents roll their eyes and probably make the lasses go 'Awww': I married the first woman I dated, and while we can fight like pit-bulls sometimes (add Aries to Taurus and whaddya expect?), I couldn't imagine my life without her.

Okay, 'nuff of the sap, back to my regularly scheduled smart-assedness (this is the product of being the middle child... at least I'm not a BSC anorexic like my sister or a zealous Mormon convert like my brother... I'm just a crazy wannabe writer :)

Will leave you with this Jack Handy quote:

“Just because swans mate for life, I don't think its that big a deal. First of all, if you're a swan, you're probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you've got, so why not mate for life?"

Greater Exposure

2009-12-02T12:18:00.000-08:00

Except for my fanship w/ the Lakers, I'm usually a fan of the little guy.

So, if there were an author (other than yourself :) who you wished had more publishing exposure, greater market share/influence, who would s/he be?

When The Saints Go Marching In

2009-12-01T15:50:00.000-08:00

In Synopsis Hell right now (FFS -- i.e., For ****'s Sake -- why would an agent ask for a damn synopsis :), but wanted to give a shout out to Laura's New Orleans Saints, who S.M.O.K.E.D the Patriots. Though I'm happy for the Saints (b/c I like underdog organizations), I'm even happier that pretty-boy Tom Brady (who ranks up there w/ Scottie Pippen as one of the most overrated athletes of all time) and the Pats go their clocks cleaned (yeah, the phrase doesn't make any sense, but it sounds damn good)

How to Clean a Microwave

2009-11-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

This is actually a post about cleaning a microwave. Given my shortness of time today, thought I'd share a tip I learned from my SIL (those of you w/ more domestic sophistication than me probably already know this). So, here's a nice, quick way to clean one's microwave:

1. Fill measuring cup w/ 2 cups water.
2. Insert into microwave.
3. Heat for 5 minutes (times may vary based on MW strength)
4. Clean surfaces w/ towel
5. (optional) - use hot water from measuring cup to aid wipe down.

Okay, not rocket science, but the steam from cleaning water loosens up the hardened gunk on MW surfaces rather nicely. This trick is probably obvious to many, but it was a wondrous revelation to me :).

Thanks

2009-11-26T06:55:00.000-08:00

Thank you to all my online buddies for all your support, insight, and humanity. Happy Thanksgiving to all the Yanks, and I'm sending some cyber tryptophan to everyone else.

What Does Your Icon/Avatar Say About You?

2009-11-24T08:45:00.000-08:00

So, some of us out there have very nice pics of ours elves . These people are obviously narcissists :). Then you've got the elusive (or perhaps it's allusive), mysterious wallflowers whose icons might hide a Phantom of the Opera. I'm obviously a dog lover (or perhaps a dog hater based on my pooch's plaintive pout)... I went w/ my personal pic for a few weeks a few months ago, but I quickly realized that the dog suited me (even if I may not him). Of course, I'm not really interested in me or you other narcissists (yes, I admit it, I'm vain, too :) -- well, I am interested in your opinions, but you've taken out some of the mystery, that's for sure, unless you've gone all Face/Off on me (side note, I actually had a surgery where they peeled my face forward -- lovely pics, believe you me) -- I'm really curious about the Miras, Inks, and AMs of the world. Who are the people behind the masks? Then again, maybe those pics of Laura, Steph, Stephanie, Matt, Renee, et al are nothing but fabrications intended to lure others into a false sense of security.

So, are you a blogosphere hero or villain? I'm a vigilante -- above the law, of course :)

In Honor of Twilight

2009-11-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

Jet-lagged and sleepy, still had to honor the opening of New Moon. In case you haven't seen this, enjoy :)

Author Analysis - Stephen King

2009-11-18T13:36:00.000-08:00

'They' say that to be a good writer, one needs to read A LOT. I disagree with this. To be a good writer, IMO, one needs to understand what makes other writers good (and bad). So, we just can't read a lot, we need to think a lot (and, yes, I place more value on the latter than the former). What is the point of reading (w.r.t. to writing) if we don't analyze a book's/author's strengths and weaknesses to buttress our own?

So, I'm gonna start by analyzing the king of horror. I'm listening to his BOT (book on tape) Cell, and the great thing about Mr. King's writing is that it's fairly straightforward, which makes it easier to dissect. In very broad strokes, here's my shortlist:

Pros:
Imagery. Imagery. Imagery.
Pacing (though I've heard this has fallen off in some of his recent fare, I've found his pacing great in Cell and in most of his older works).
Dialogue (punchy, funny, pointed)
Plot/Tension (sometimes he goes a bit WTF on plotting, but he usually starts off w/ an everyday/everyone situation that goes all facocked -- i.e., half the tension comes from playing on our innate fears)

Cons:
Character Repetition (I know he can't help himself, but his characters -- particularly his MCs -- tend to think in similar manners w/ similar thought progressions. It's stylistically recognizable, which is good, but it lacks authenticity, which is bad).
Dialogue (yes, both good and bad. His dialogue sometimes is way too forced -- he has characters saying things that they'd never ever say based on their personalities/circumstances/etc.)
Believability (I'm not talking about believability of plot -- obviously there needs to be suspended disbelief to an extent. This goes back to character -- he's got people doing/saying/thinking things that don't make sense given the situation).

What would you add to/remove from the list?

RUFKM!?

2009-11-16T20:15:00.000-08:00

Did you hear? Our president disgraced himself. How? Um, by being polite and respectful of another's culture while visiting the country of said culture. Republicans (full disclosure: if I lean one way, it's a bit right of center) took this opportunity to bash PO for groveling/pandering/insert general bad term to another country. When did showing courtesy become a sign of weakness? If we're talking about presidential weakness in Japan, perhaps those fat-ass elephants (i.e., ****tards) should use those vaunted memories of theirs to recall the elder Bush's meltdown.

Moral Calculus (i.e., Death Math)

2009-11-13T07:36:00.000-08:00

Whenever you get on a plane (particularly one of those rickety little puddle jumpers), do you ever look at the other passengers and start wondering whether they tip the balance toward Heaven, or, if you're like me, convince yourself that it's leaning heavily the other way?

PS -- though I don't like being seated near the babies, I'm glad for their presence. They bring the mean age down and thus reduce the chances that Fate will spot us and say, 'yeah, those suckers have lived long enough.'

PSS -- Here's a random video -- "Big" on the stairs... cool, but how quickly would this get annoying when you're just trying to slog into work on a Monday morning?

Boys Don't Cry (not unless they want their asses kicked in the schoolyard)

2009-11-10T18:10:00.000-08:00

And if your girls cry too much, they become caricatures, stereotypes, or annoying (and, yes, I know that's not parallel structure, but I don't care ;p). This is definitely something I struggle with in my writing - using tears as an emotional failsafe, when, all too often, it's an emotional cop-out (when, usually, it should be an emotional whip).

Anecdote about crying: the wife's reading through one of my stories and comes upon the line: 'She squeezed her eyes shut, but the tears leaked out anyway' or something along those lines... my wife, brilliant that she is, said, "Change the sentence to 'She wept.' She's not a pipe." For the first and only time that I can recall, I actually laughed while editing.

Finding The Dark Silver Lining

2009-11-03T18:38:00.000-08:00

War, what is it good for?.......

Overpopulation.

What you got?

Embrace Your Inner Whore

2009-11-01T17:18:00.000-08:00

So, after going to dinner last night and being served by a lightly-clothed cat, and seeing all the scantily-clad ladies strutting the streets that weren't prostitutes, regardless of the chill in the air, I realized (once again) that there are lots of repressed people out there.

And, yeah, I'm probably one of them (though I won't dress like a floozy or a serial killer. Ever. I repress my need to shed my repression). That's the great thing about art, right? It's an outlet for repression. However, if you're gonna open that vein and bleed, you've gotta be willing to let it flow. Because without that emotional veracity - the inner whore in most of us - our audience of 1 or a million ain't gonna connect nearly as well.

Sure, we may not like those ladies of the night or what they represent, but they're usually a lot more interesting to examine (after some thought prompted by Renee's comment, I think examine is the incorrect word here -- perhaps I should have stuck w/ 'look at' :) than the thousands of plain-Janes who surround us on a daily basis.

Random Cute Pic

2009-10-29T07:28:00.000-07:00

Swamped w/ double contracts, so I'm just posting a couple of cute pics from an email my wife received last evening. Louis Armstrong's song WaWW springs to mind :)

I Love This Game

2009-10-27T09:01:00.000-07:00

Not targeting my blog demographic here, I imagine, but tonight's opening night in the NBA. I know soccer's 'the beautiful game,' but, at it's highest, most artistic, basketball's hard to beat, IMO.

GO LAKERS! (yeah, let the hate begin... to your right is a pic of the Stephanie Meyer of basketball :)

Bad Kitty

2009-10-26T07:36:00.000-07:00

Okay, I"m hating my cat a bit right now b/c he went and got himself locked in a closet last night and then decided he wanted out at about 4 a.m.... paws scratching on doors... not the best thing to be waking up to... a bit creepy, and then highly annoying. Made me think of a video my wife showed me the other day... not creepy, but funny, and somewhat annoying if you're not watching the associated images.

FU Microsoft

2009-10-20T21:15:00.000-07:00

I've got 5, count 'em 5, computers in my home right now (for 2 people... even factoring in our dog and cat, that leaves one extra)... 1 desktop (that's pretty much just a source for the wireless router anymore), 1 laptop for me (the one stuck w/ Vista :(, 1 for the missus, and 2 for work (one for previous contract position, 1 for current one)... technology engulfs me, but that's nothing new... I've been a computer dork (not nerd, b/c, were I a nerd, I'd know more about the darn things) since I was a wee tike and though I appreciate the whole technological revolution, I also loathe it...

More specifically, I loathe Microsoft. Now, unlike my Apple loving, Google interviewing, brother, I don't think they're evil (at least not anymore so than the average Joe -- which includes Apple and maybe Google), but, like the average Joe, they just kinda suck. Sometimes, they've got good days (Windows XP, SP2), and sometimes they're just right ole tossers (Windows Vista)... the problem is, you never know what you're gonna get (and most of these chocolates are the ones filled with liquer when you were expecting caramel). The worse problem is that you can't stick to the previous chocolate (of relative choice) b/c Microsoft wants to make money (just like Apple -- seriously, how fast do they obsolete iPods... bunch of smegheads) so they grab you by the short ones and tell you to get in line b/c they're not gonna support your old habits.

Now, all that being said, it looks like Windows 7 (bland name... but maybe it's like cars where the ones with numbers end up being the best ones) is gonna be leaps and bounds above Vista (which was dives and stumbles beneath XP). Now, were I more of a nerd instead of a dork, I'd be on Linux (but then I'd be in a cave somewhere w/ horn-rimmed glasses and a pointed goatee (or Van Dyke) and a perpetual look of officious indignation -- yeah, a bit contradictory, but it's that bad). Unfortunately, I'm a dork, so I'm stuck w/ Microsoft (and, no, Apple's not any better. They just think they are. So they get a double FU). Here's waiting for Windows Space Odyssey (i.e., 2010)... which will likely be craptastic, but maybe they'll replace that f***tard paperclip w/ HAL.

In The Empty

2009-10-19T07:26:00.000-07:00

Not sure how frequently I'll be posting in the upcoming weeks since I'm starting my new job today... I went ahead and posted my first chapter for The Lost Children Chronicles... If you're interested, check it out and let me know what you think. I'm definitely experiencing significant myopia at this point, so any/all feedback is welcome. Thanks!

w00t

2009-10-16T16:50:00.000-07:00

Okay, major over-posting today, but I think I'm done editing (except for maybe some executions of head shakes and nods)... which is good for my psyche and my wife's (who will attest to the fact that I'm a major bear -- euphemism alert -- during the process)... Cut it down from 76,158 to 68,607 -- which, for you mathematical types out there, is 7,551 words cut... not Mr. King's 10%, but I'll take 9.91% and round up :) -- much closer to my original goal of 65K...

Here are some random stats:

Cut down from 40 shrugs to 10 shrugs (now the shoulders won't be as tired :)
Cut down from 6 sighs to 6 sighs (okay, didn't cut any, but I can live w/ 6)
Cut down from 63 whispers to 19 whispers (now the throats are spared :)
Cut down from 420 'as's to 321 'as's :)
Cut down from 840 'ly' suffixes to 725 : /
Cut down from 717 'was's to 589 : /
Cut down from 30 'had been's to 23 : /
Cut down from 81 'shook his head's to 73.
Cut down from 80 'nodded' to 79 (evidently, nodding is more important :)
Cut down from 9 eye-rolls to 9 eye-rolls (yeah, didn't cut these, either ;)
Cut down from 59 'began's to 44 : /

Time stats:

Writing: 3 months... probably 200 - 250 hours
Post-editing: 2 weeks... probably 50 - 75 hours
Query: 1 week... probably 5 - 10 hours
Synopsis: TBD :(
None, of this, of course, accounts for contemplation time :)

Results

2009-10-16T10:17:00.000-07:00

Results from NB's contest are out. Go vote, if you want. LT Host made honorable mention!

Easy Edits - Whispers, Sighs, and Shrugs

2009-10-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

My college creative writing instructor hated sighs and shrugs. Thought they should all be eliminated. *shrugs*...I'm not as draconian in my belief, but I definitely think sighs should happen about once every blue moon and shrugs maybe thrice.

And then there are whispers. This is my biggest problem. I find my peeps whispering a bit too much. I know I'm using it to lend gravitas to a situation (or said softly, which might not be as offensive, but it's in the ballpark), but it distracts from the reality of the whole thing. People don't whisper (or murmur or mumble, for that matter) all that much unless they're thieves on the prowl or big time telephone game players.

These are easy edits though. For the most part, you can search and destroy (or alter). What do y'all think, and are there other actions that should be added to the list?

Editing Reminder: Omit Needless Words

2009-10-15T10:27:00.001-07:00

Now just need to figure out what's needless :)

5' 10", 120 lbs and Too Fat... According to Ralph Lauren

2009-10-14T12:27:00.000-07:00

The model in this controversial photoshopped cover was fired b/c she's a size 4. WTF Wow!

Tell Me Tuesday - Chapter Titles

2009-10-13T08:54:00.000-07:00

Going ultra-short today w/ Regina's post from yesterday as inspiration.

RE: Chapter Titles (e.g., The Midnight Duel, The Forbidden Forest, The Mirror of Erised). Do you like them, hate 'em, or does it depend on the genre?

This is Ridiculous

2009-10-09T11:40:00.000-07:00

Okay, just heard Obama won the Nobel peace prize. WTF!? (FYI - nominations were due in just 12 days after he took the oath of office).

This is for the Ladies

2009-10-09T09:54:00.000-07:00

Was gonna post my query (and will do so later in the day probably since I'm stuck in an infinite loop), but got an email from my brother showing some fairly crazy photoshopping for billboarding. This body-morphage struck close to home b/c my sister was anorexic (and is now bulimic).

Quickie

2009-10-08T13:25:00.000-07:00

Running a bit behind -- drug tests and car problems :o... So, it's not often you get to add something to a top ten list (unless you've got like a million of them or create them on a whim), but last night I saw a movie that I can add to my top 10 worst list (not exactly sure all 10 on there, but a few, OTTOMH are: There Will Be Blood, Boogie Nights -- yes, me no likey PTA -- Johnny Mnemonic, Million Dollar Baby)... now, add to the list:

I actually like some of Vin Diesel's movies (Pitch Black, Chronicles of Riddick), but this one was an utter, utter mess (which I probably could have guessed based on reviews, but sometimes reviewers are just cows mooing b/c other cows moo, methinks)... You want a story w/o any infodumping/back info, this is it. You kind of piece together the plot by the end, but, man, by then, you just don't care (lucky for my wife, she was able to fall asleep halfway through).

That being said, at least I've got something else to rag on now, not that I need it :)

Yeah, but can they tie their shoes?

2009-10-07T09:48:00.000-07:00

I read an article yesterday about this year's winner of the Nobel Prize for Physics.
Without the three gentlemen recognized, we wouldn't have (yet) things like CCD screens or fiber optic transmissions, which allow for things like cheap transAtlantic calls and digital cameras.

Though I'd like to think of myself as a decently smart cookie, I know beyond a reasonable doubt that I don't have an inventor's bone inside me, never mind the pure imagination required to contemplate and fabricate today's modern marvels incorporating and adhering to the ultra-complex concepts of relativistic physics.

Even mechanical inventions of yesteryear boggle my mind. Sure, I can understand how most of them work when someone lays it out for me, but, man, could you imagine being the first one to invent a catapult? How's that for street cred? Before mad inventors like Da Vinci, there were cats like Heron (Hero) of Alexandria. This mathematician invented some crazy mechanical devices that incorporated wind power, harmonics, gear reduction, etc.... things that I can readily understand, but would be hard-pressed to fabricate without previous example. And you can go father back to things like Stonehenge and places like Mohenjo-daro to find other great feats of invention/engineering.

And though I appreciate the ability to 'invent' in writing and afford people an opportunity to escape, relate, and marinate, if I had to sacrifice art or technology, art would definitely be the one to go. Sure, the world would be a drab place, but at least we'd have flushing toilets (thank you, John Harrington).

So, to all you inventors out there, I salute you and genuflect (and while I'm down there, I'll tie those pesky shoelaces you don't have time for. Sorry Velcro didn't work out as well as you planned, George de Mestral).

The Blackness Within

2009-10-05T10:28:00.000-07:00

Got an email this morning re: the cover art for an anthology that I've got a story in. The Blackness Within follows the rebirth of the little-known Celtic pig-god Moccus, a psychopomp, or guide to the afterlife. It's a dark fantasy/horror antho (thus the demonic javelinas) that's coming out sometime in the next couple of months (not sure exactly when yet); the story was a heck of a lot of fun to write (partially b/c I didn't have to hold back on language or graphicness -- though description is a weakness of mine, I do eviscerations decently :). The coolest part of the antho, IMO, is that all the stories are interconnected. The editor (Gill Ainsworth - wonderfully responsive, informative, and easy to work with), bless her soul, worked with each of us to intertwine the tales for better fluidity.

Though prologues are supposed to be a double no-no in short stories (or so I've heard), mine has one. In some ways, it's my favorite part of the story (for atmospheric purposes). I've reprinted it below:

In the interminable silence that accompanies death, have you ever experienced something inexplicable that affords you hope your loved one’s spirit has transcended its Earthly prison? Perhaps, at the moment of passage, you hear a somber owl’s call amongst the manmade dissonance. Or, at a funeral, you glimpse a wolf watching from afar, unconcerned with the dichotomy it strikes against the suburban backdrop.

The spiritualists, mystics, and soothsayers would gladly tell you that your loved one had been visited by a psychopomp--an escort to the afterlife in the form of an owl or guise of a wolf. Famous psychopomps include: Anubis, Mercury, Charon, and the unnamed Grim Reaper. Some are considered favorably, conductors to a peaceful post-mortem existence; others are feared, jailers of foundering souls.

And you would be readily convinced that your beloved was safeguarded by the former, an angel guiding an angel into the halcyon harbor of the morrow. Do not be fooled.

Psychopomps are far more iniquitous than such naïve notions of conductors or jailers. They are soul vampires, gorging on the dead to strengthen themselves for The Dance--a centenary game that defines their hierarchy--from which the winner is entitled to the worthiest souls for the subsequent century.

A note on souls: they are like apples--some are ripe, some are rotten, and a few are delectable, to be savored as the rivulets trickle down the edges of your mouth; these are the ones the pyschopomps crave. Most likely, your loved one passed freely into the afterlife, but if you heard that owl or glimpsed that wolf, your loved one suffered excruciating pain as his soul was eviscerated in tiny bits from his withered corpse.

Do not despair. Know that your loved one was a special person; one over whom the Gods fought viciously to savor.

Congratulations, Brasil!

2009-10-02T14:37:00.000-07:00

Olympics 2016 -- sure, the athletes might be hung over, but it's gonna be one helluva party!

Cute Cat Video

2009-10-02T09:36:00.000-07:00

Just finished my WIP (76 k - only 20% longer than I planned) and now am on to editing/query writing. May gather the gumption to ask for betas... in the meantime, here's a cute cat vid my wife showed me the other day:

Jump The Shark Books

2009-10-01T08:59:00.000-07:00

Before I get started, couldn't help but mention the Roman Polanski fiasco and link to an article that shows why Hollywood makes me sick (I guess pedophilia's okay if you're an artistic talent, or French). Onto the regularly scheduled programming:

I was watching a promo for Grey's Anatomy during ABC's Modern Family, and it got me thinking about books/series that jumped the shark. The one that popped instantly to mind was Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban w/ the whole time-travel plot device deus ex machina that was never used again, but could and should have been to fix anything. Now, I still enjoyed the books and series, but there was always that niggling little voice in the back of me noggin whispering devilish thoughts about how Dumbledore should have just whisked himself back in time and killed Mr. Malevo and avoided the whole brouhaha.

Other books I can think of off the top of my head: Robert Jordan's WOT series (somewhere in Lord of Chaos, probably), Twilight (glitter - seriously?), Scavenger (a BOT I'm listening to where the villain's got way too much wherewithal). Now, just b/c they JTS, doesn't mean they're not enjoyable (though the shark's definitely eating WOT now)... it just means you've got to suspend your disbelief to extreme measures (e.g., ignoring logic, overlooking loopholes, etc.) to fully enjoy the piece.

So, are there any books/series you think have JTS (and why)?

Art Rant

2009-09-30T10:36:00.000-07:00

I was talking with my BSC (bat-**** crazy) sister a few days about the subject of artistic creation. She insisted that people of her ilk (the suffering and tormented) could produce better 'art' than the run-of-the-mill average Jo. I insisted she was wrong (she conceded, but if I insisted strongly enough that the earth were made of marshmallows, she'd concede).

Being 'artistic,' IMO, is the vainglorious clutch to which tormented souls cling to justify their depravities. That's not to say that everyone else doesn't have issues or crutches, but many a tortured artist possesses an almost rabid -- foaming-at-the-mouth -- proprietarial claim on the ability to create great art. Perhaps it's just Suffering's snobbery, but it annoys the Hell out of me.

I get tired of hearing the refrain that great art/great writing/etc. comes from deprivation, darkness, etc... Just because Hemingway was an alcoholic or b/c Vincent Van Gogh drank turpentine and went BSC on his ear doesn't mean they were great artists (and don't get me started on Joyce). The literary elite will defend the likes of Hemingway to their graves, but were his writings to disappear, I don't think most outside the literary world would notice or care. I appreciate Van Gogh's paintings enough (leaps and bounds above modern art, for sure), and maybe his ideas would have been different if he'd been a straight arrow, and maybe they would have been better. We'll never know, but to attribute his greatness to his psychological state is specious.

To me, great art is something that speaks to the masses. It is something that weaves a common Human thread together. The ability to weave this pattern is most certainly difficult, and it can come from darkness (ala Stephen King's terrifying insights into the human psyche while high on coke), but it can also come from light (ala Harry Potter). Whatever the case may be, you don't have to have a secret membership or think in facocked 4-D for the art to resonate with you. Great art is simple and universal. Great art is not great because the elitists tell you it is. Great art is great because the everyman enjoys it, even if he might not know why.

Know Thyself

2009-09-29T08:38:00.000-07:00

Writing this while my wife's making me watch Step Up 2: The Streets, so if you hear any screams across the ether, they're probably mine :). Enough of my whinging.

IMO, one of the most important things in life is knowing yourself - knowing your strengths, knowing your weaknesses. Sure, I may think I'm brilliant, but I know I can play basketball. I may think I'm a cynic, but I know I'm an introvert (which I do consider a weakness, though it gives me more time for writing :). By knowing your strengths, you can accentuate them; likewise, you can either conceal or improve upon your weaknesses.

Similarly, in writing, it's critical to know your strengths and weaknesses. Sure, there are certain gray areas that need outside eyes, but if you can identify your strong and weak points, you'll be able to better tailor your writing to accentuate the positives and minimize the negatives (and hopefully work on them in the meantime).

For example, I know my strengths are plotting (logic-wise) and dialog (to an extent). My weaknesses are description (particularly extended ones) and character separation (idiosyncrazation -- my word, feel free to use it :). Knowing what you don't know (gray areas) is also important (but only if you gather feedback about your blind spots). My gray areas in writing include action and pacing (usually I feel I do them pretty damn well; other times I feel like I'm definitely missing a few puzzle pieces).

Then there's that whole not knowing what you know and don't know realm -- which is a bit too metaphysical for me.

So, what do and/or don't you know?

Story Time

2009-09-23T08:07:00.000-07:00

I'm gonna be out of town for the rest of the week (going down to San Antonio for my wife's job interview), so this'll be the last post of the week for me. A few weeks ago, I posted a story that I said was my second favorite kids' story I'd written (well, maybe tied for 2nd). I thought I'd post my favorite one today... definitely a departure from the norm for me (perhaps why I like it so much).

Nina

It was three days after Tuesday that my sister was born. She weighed four thousand pounds, by the way – I expected her to be bigger, but momma was very happy.

Momma was too worried about her pregnancy to think much about those brown surface whales we spotted on Tuesday, but they were all I could think about. I followed them for a day and a half, trying to talk to them. Now, I’ve met all types of whales in my life – gray ones, right ones, fin ones, humpback ones, even killer ones (though momma says they’re not really whales, but dolphins) – and I’ve never seen any as strange as those brown ones.

First off, other than being brown and surface whales, they were shaped kind of funny. They looked like a whale under the water (except for being brown), but above water they had flat backs and sharp edges; I thought maybe they were sharks or inverted cousins of the humpbacks, but momma says they aren’t.

The momma brown whale was longer than momma (and it’s hard to be longer than momma), but her children were shorter than me. The momma brown whale also had more fins than her children, which I thought was weird, but momma told me not to stare. Well, I don’t know about momma, but when I see something that strange, I can’t help looking.

Not only did the brown momma have five fins and no flippers, she had white wings like a seagull’s surrounding each fin. Her children had three fins and smaller wings. Wouldn’t you stare if you saw a whale with wings? I thought so.

I kept expecting those brown whales to fly and that’s why I followed them for as long as I did. No other point in following them since they never said a word back to me.

What good are wings if you can’t fly? I asked them this several times and you know what they said?

Nothing. They never said a word. They didn’t even splash me away or look over their shoulder and snort. Momma says she’s seen brown whales before and they’re all like that – stiff-backed and silent.

Maybe they’re upset about the featherless birds climbing around their backs. All day long, these large, straight-backed birds climbed all over their bodies, sometimes even up their fins! I asked momma if I could have one of the featherless birds on my back and she said I was being silly. Well, I thought maybe if I had a featherless bird, too, then maybe the brown whales would talk to me.

I hope I see another brown whale soon. Then I’ll ask them if I can borrow one of their birds. And I’ll ask to borrow one for my baby sister, too. I think she’d like the brown whales even if they don’t talk.

Even though they never said a word, I’ll never forget those brown surface whales. As I watched them go, I told them my name. They didn’t respond, but they didn’t need to. Somehow they’d written their names on the sides of their bodies.

The mother brown whale was called Santa Maria. The larger of her two children was called Pinta. And the smallest brown whale, whom I got to name my baby sister after because I liked the name so much, was Nina.